Gmail: How Do I Love Thee?

'Tis the season to be self-promotional. And nobody does self-promotion better than Google (Nasdaq: GOOG).

I was perusing my Gmail inbox yesterday, and in the midst of side-stepping the erroneously targeted advertisements for spamilicious pancakes and kitty litter, I noticed a hyperlink in bright red, Christmassy text that read: “Share your Gmail story.”

Upon clicking the link, I immediately laughed myself into a hilarity-induced coma, but came out of it for the sole purpose of sharing this experience with you, my best friends.

This holiday season, boys and girls, Google, in return for its stellar services, wants nothing more than an embarrassing display of public gratification and affection... and magical, singing rose petals strewn at its golden feet:

We're continually reminded why we work so hard on Gmail when we hear stories from you about how you're using it -- from keeping your long-distance relationship alive over chat to saving a historic record of your high school life within a single conversation thread.

But pinning your stories on the walls around Google hasn't been the best way to share them with the Gmail community, so we're inviting you to share yours with the world. All you need is a video camera and a great story. Feel free to get creative with special effects or choreography or just tell it like it is.

Isn't this kind of equivalent to asking your friends to throw you a surprise party?

Let me get this straight: There are actually people willing to waste time taking videos of themselves gushing about what special meaning Gmail has in their otherwise meaningless and trifling lives? Umm... How do you sayyy... BIG, GIANT LOSER?

Get real. Gmail is an email service. It's not out to solve world hunger. What sort of "great story" could one possibly have about checking email? "Uh, thank you, Gmail, for appropriately placing the email spam about penile implants in my email spam folder!"

How many ways can Google boost its own corporate superego? Capitalistic narcissism has been taken to a new level. Recall the "Official" Google blog, which incorporates (shock and awe) blogs written by Google employees! (Don't expect to see this gem in there.)

Now we're going to have a shrine of video blogs dedicated to Gmail's extraordinary capabilities?

While I appreciate Gmail's uncanny capabilities to, you know, deliver my email and all, give me a call when it finds a cure for cancer or something, yeah?

Here's my heartfelt tribute:

Think it'll make the cut?

— Nicole Ferraro, Site Editor, Internet Evolution