One of the Internet's main evolutionary goals, it seems, is to transcend into a high school cafeteria-esque platform for velvet-roped-off groups founded upon snobbery and general unpleasantness. And so, we bring you (ta-daaaaa!) the five snobbiest social networks IN. THE. WORLD.
The following social networking sites are "invite only" and/or determine your acceptance based on a set of frilly criteria. These are the sites that throw a "Pish Tosh!" in the face of social networking free-for-alls such as MySpace and
Facebook , which readily accept the great unwashed. Think of our Top Five (5) as both informative and an evaluation of your self-worth. I.E., if you aren't in these clubs, you have none. And if you are in any of these clubs, well la-dee-da, go ahead and brag about it on the message boards, why don't you?
The following list ranks the social networking sites using our unpatented, non-trademarked nose ranking (Nanking?) system, ranging from one to five on an ascending scale of snootiness.
MetroFunk
MetroFunk, started in 2005, is a site for trendsetters. Or, in their words (because I do my best to stray from ever using the word fabulous in a non-facetious setting), "Metrofunk.com is a metropolitan based online event and social network focused exclusively on anything trendy and funky [ed. note: "trunky"?] in the fabulous worlds of nightlife, fashion, music, and film." In other words, MetroFunk sets out to take the already dense, head-up-your-ass world of things that don't matter, centralize it on the Web, and keep out people who are two- to-three dimensional. Here's a trend I'd like to set: People with powers of discrimination exceeding that of month-old milk. May I join now? Snobbery Rating:
ModelsHotel
ModelsHotel? Really? Why not go the obvious route and just call this site "Skanksonline"? This is a social network where fashion models come to mingle and talk about low body fat percentages, the price of a gram of charlie, their colonic of the month, and the numerous delicacies one can make with a plain celery stalk. Unfortunately, one can only get in with an "invite key," so such tales of wonder are not readily available for the rest of us fatties, with normal-size heads and functioning thyroids. Snobbery Rating:
aSmallWorld.net
230,000 people in this world have a purpose in life. Those people are members of aSmallWorld.net. The rest of us are worthless toadstools with nothing better to do than list the innumerable reasons we’ve failed at civilization and dig ourselves into an early, well deserved grave. According to the home page (for Lorrrrrdy knows a low-life like myself wouldn’t be given access past "About Us"), aSmallWorld is a "private online community for like-minded individuals." The purpose of the site is to centralize existing relationships, planting them in the aSmallWorld soil, and allowing them to blossom into beautiful, like-minded flowers. Once you’re in, that doesn’t mean you’re A-list, however. The real winners are those who, after being algorithm-approved, can invite friends. But heed this warning, if you invite a bunch of riff-raff, your privileges will be rescinded, leaving you with nothing but fond memories and regret. Such. Is. Life. Snobbery Rating:
Diamond Lounge
There's something inherently humorous about calling a Website a "lounge," as if that's supposed to make it chic. Or comfortable. You can claim to have the most fanciful members in the whole wide world, but when Loretta Lovelypants is networking from the privacy of her own home, it's a safe assumption that she's clad in "I Love Lucy" PJs with potato chip grease eroding her otherwise impeccable pores. Anyhoo, Diamond Lounge intends to service those seeking a site for both business and pleasure, allowing members to create profiles catering to both aspects of their lives. The site, thus far, is home to around 100 members who pay $60/month to hobnob with snobknobs. If you're feeling lucky, there is an admittance application available here, where you're asked to compose a personal statement explaining what unique trait you'd bring to the club. Rumor is, they're still on the market for someone with a functioning brain. Good luck! Snobbery Rating:
BeautifulPeople.net
This one's really an abomination. Pardon my typos, I can't see straight, as my eyes have resorted to spasmodically rolling around and around in my hideous head. BeautifulPeople.net, an "exclusive members club for beautiful people only," is a site whose sole member criterion is beauty. This gets worse, I'm not kidding. So far, over 7.5 million desperate trolls have sent in their best mug shots, and around 140,000 have been accepted. Once accepted, oh Queens and Kings of Gorrrrrrrrgeousity, members pay $27/month to mingle with other attractive dimwits online. This is by far the most pathetic thing I've heard about in a while. The membership criteria reflect no commonality except for a proportional assortment of facial features and a deep-rooted self-obsession. Members: Be mindful of cracked glass when making out with mirror. Snobbery Rating:
This is one of the funniest posts I've seen. Your only mistake was not giving all of these snobby social networking sites a 5 nose "nanking" rating.
I checked out BeautifulPeople.net to see what kind of snobs would pay $27 a month to be part of this site.
I figured it out immediately when I found profiles with names like "Surffin" and "Cexiiprinsess."
There was actually a picture of a guy named Sands who was using his cell phone camera to take a picture of himself in the mirror while standing in his shower stall. Yikes!! Any chance you can boost the rating system to a 10 nose rating system?
Good point, Frank. And the reason I used my very efficient, scientific nose ranking system is to differentiate between the sites that mayyyyyyy perhaps in some way serve a purpose for niche groups, such as the models or the trendsetters (shudder).
But then we have a site like BeautifulPeople. The fact that people are desperate enough to send their pictures into this site and, if accepted, are willing to PAY a membership fee just brings to the surface the really disturbing fact that there are a lot of people distorted enough to think this is an accomplishment or that something like this matters or makes them better than anyone else.
The Internet is not to blame for our pathetic mindsets. The Internet just gives morons a platform to be publicly moronic. The downside is that we non-morons have to hear about it. If there are people sick enough to call on Internet strangers to determine whether or not they're good looking enough to emerge from under their rock of hideousness I sort of would rather not know. But since I DO know, I figured I'd share it with all of you.
Great analysis of a select set of social networking sites where normal people should take pride in not being apart of...
I would say ModelsHotel isn't necessarily a snobby site- it's intention is to serve models and models alone. So why would a non model want to be in that network. They should have a private haven to share their secrets of the trade. It's kind of how Facebook was college-only at one point. The idea being this is "our" thing- let's have a forum for swamping textbooks, finding roommates, posting pictures of John's 4min. keg stand, etc.
BeautifulPeople.net deserves each and everyone of it's five noses. I guess it's already predetermined how beautiful one must be- because surely only the real beauties use internet explorer only... the link wouldn't open in firefox or safari. So even before I could be rejected, my computer was- and here I thought my MacBook was uber sexy...
have you read about the "myspace suicide?" I have to say after reading this, I am concerned for you nicole. Just know that I too was rejected from the Diamond Lounge. I know the pain. It might be hard to understand it now, but I promise you, things will get better.
MetroFunk, eh? I think that's what New York smells like in mid-August.
Social networking is kinda killing the sock puppets and fake personas that exist on messageboards and chatrooms. (Are there still chatrooms?) So for snobby sites to emerge is kind of a reminder that because the Internet is made up of actual really real people -- there are going to be places where not everyone is welcome or interested in going.
Still, it's like Groucho Marx said: "I'd never join a club that would have me as a member."
Nicole, thank you:)))) that's an amazing post. It's really interesting to see how people turn the space that supposed to erase all distinction into space where the same things (Money,beauty..etc) that in the real world rule:)))
That's really amazing. I think that colnclusion of all these things is that human beings are always human beings and regardless of the technical development and characteristics of the space, they operate in, people are just the same:))))
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