Top Five Snobbiest Social Networks

One of the Internet's main evolutionary goals, it seems, is to transcend into a high school cafeteria-esque platform for velvet-roped-off groups founded upon snobbery and general unpleasantness. And so, we bring you (ta-daaaaa!) the five snobbiest social networks IN. THE. WORLD.

The following social networking sites are "invite only" and/or determine your acceptance based on a set of frilly criteria. These are the sites that throw a "Pish Tosh!" in the face of social networking free-for-alls such as MySpace and Facebook , which readily accept the great unwashed. Think of our Top Five (5) as both informative and an evaluation of your self-worth. I.E., if you aren't in these clubs, you have none. And if you are in any of these clubs, well la-dee-da, go ahead and brag about it on the message boards, why don't you?

The following list ranks the social networking sites using our unpatented, non-trademarked nose ranking (Nanking?) system, ranging from one to five on an ascending scale of snootiness.

MetroFunk
MetroFunk, started in 2005, is a site for trendsetters. Or, in their words (because I do my best to stray from ever using the word fabulous in a non-facetious setting), "Metrofunk.com is a metropolitan based online event and social network focused exclusively on anything trendy and funky [ed. note: "trunky"?] in the fabulous worlds of nightlife, fashion, music, and film." In other words, MetroFunk sets out to take the already dense, head-up-your-ass world of things that don't matter, centralize it on the Web, and keep out people who are two- to-three dimensional. Here's a trend I'd like to set: People with powers of discrimination exceeding that of month-old milk. May I join now?
Snobbery Rating:

ModelsHotel
ModelsHotel? Really? Why not go the obvious route and just call this site "Skanksonline"? This is a social network where fashion models come to mingle and talk about low body fat percentages, the price of a gram of charlie, their colonic of the month, and the numerous delicacies one can make with a plain celery stalk. Unfortunately, one can only get in with an "invite key," so such tales of wonder are not readily available for the rest of us fatties, with normal-size heads and functioning thyroids.
Snobbery Rating:

aSmallWorld.net
230,000 people in this world have a purpose in life. Those people are members of aSmallWorld.net. The rest of us are worthless toadstools with nothing better to do than list the innumerable reasons we’ve failed at civilization and dig ourselves into an early, well deserved grave. According to the home page (for Lorrrrrdy knows a low-life like myself wouldn’t be given access past "About Us"), aSmallWorld is a "private online community for like-minded individuals." The purpose of the site is to centralize existing relationships, planting them in the aSmallWorld soil, and allowing them to blossom into beautiful, like-minded flowers. Once you’re in, that doesn’t mean you’re A-list, however. The real winners are those who, after being algorithm-approved, can invite friends. But heed this warning, if you invite a bunch of riff-raff, your privileges will be rescinded, leaving you with nothing but fond memories and regret. Such. Is. Life.
Snobbery Rating:

Diamond Lounge
There's something inherently humorous about calling a Website a "lounge," as if that's supposed to make it chic. Or comfortable. You can claim to have the most fanciful members in the whole wide world, but when Loretta Lovelypants is networking from the privacy of her own home, it's a safe assumption that she's clad in "I Love Lucy" PJs with potato chip grease eroding her otherwise impeccable pores. Anyhoo, Diamond Lounge intends to service those seeking a site for both business and pleasure, allowing members to create profiles catering to both aspects of their lives. The site, thus far, is home to around 100 members who pay $60/month to hobnob with snobknobs. If you're feeling lucky, there is an admittance application available here, where you're asked to compose a personal statement explaining what unique trait you'd bring to the club. Rumor is, they're still on the market for someone with a functioning brain. Good luck!
Snobbery Rating:

BeautifulPeople.net
This one's really an abomination. Pardon my typos, I can't see straight, as my eyes have resorted to spasmodically rolling around and around in my hideous head. BeautifulPeople.net, an "exclusive members club for beautiful people only," is a site whose sole member criterion is beauty. This gets worse, I'm not kidding. So far, over 7.5 million desperate trolls have sent in their best mug shots, and around 140,000 have been accepted. Once accepted, oh Queens and Kings of Gorrrrrrrrgeousity, members pay $27/month to mingle with other attractive dimwits online. This is by far the most pathetic thing I've heard about in a while. The membership criteria reflect no commonality except for a proportional assortment of facial features and a deep-rooted self-obsession. Members: Be mindful of cracked glass when making out with mirror.
Snobbery Rating:

Yours, not bitter at all,

— Nicole Ferraro, Associate Editor, Internet Evolution